DATE: 03/26/2007 15:46:07 / MOOD: full of life

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

 If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left  But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00. 

 

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drinkheavily and recycle. 

 

It's called the 401-Keg Plan!

 

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DATE: 03/26/2007 12:09:19 / MOOD: feel like wheelin

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

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DATE: 03/16/2007 14:49:05 / MOOD: feel like wheelin

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."4. "This is just the 15 minute power nap that they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...1. Raise your head slowly and say, "........... Amen.

 

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DATE: 02/23/2007 14:40:47 / MOOD: feel like wheelin

George Carlin's new rules for 2007 - New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids : lucky. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a HUGE A$$-hole-GRANDE. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a . And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too d**ned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. L et's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. amen New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New R ule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

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DATE: 02/22/2007 09:05:49 / MOOD: feel like wheelin

"Locked up tighter than Murphy's trunk." Slicker than a henhouse floor on Monday morning.Dumb as a box of rocks.Bright as a burned out bulb. "What have you been doing all day, screwing the dog?"  "He was wound up tighter than Dick's hat band" "Took off like a turpentined cat"  "He's so short that he can sit on the edge of a cigarette paper and his feet won't touch the floor". That goofy sum b**ch is ringy as a pet coon.That randy sum b**ch is horny as a two d!cked billygoat.That prissy sum b**ch wouldn’t make a fart in a windstorm. "tighter than a fiddler's fart". "No one ever learned anything while they were talking."  "I'm unpleasant........not stoopid!!" "Just how dumb can one person get?" "I'll be go to hell" "To be dumber you'd have to be bigger." "Gawd damn suns-a-bitches" "Never loose your head over a piece of tail." Bad day to be outside with just yer spurs on "Squeeze a nickle so hard the buffalo would holler!" "Dumber than a sack of hair" "It's hard to believe that out of millions of sperm, he was the fastest" "Busier that a cat burying chit on a marble floor"  "He couldn't pour p*ss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel"  Raining pitchforks and bob-tailed heifers. Skin a flea for the hide and tallow. Going to be in a heap of trouble when the fool killer come. up a stump. Busier than a one armed paper hanger.Higher than a Georgia pine.Tighter than a tick on a hounds azz.Good Lord willin' and the creek don't rise.Colder than a well diggers azz in January.Colder than a witch's left teat.Busier than a cat covering sh!t in a sandstorm.Her butt looks like a bag of cats fighting when she walks.Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs.  gramps would threaten to knock me into next week and wait for my azz to catch up and do it again "Well sh!t fire and save matches." "he is circling the drain for sure" "snow was azz deep to a tall indian"

"rain like a cow pissin on a flat rock"

 "one wheel stuck in the sand"  "That guy's hornier than a ten balled tom cat Ya got two eyes , two ears and one mouth, so ya need to look and listen twice as much as ya bump your gums  uglier than a mud fence so hungry I could eat the arss out of skunk  

drier than a cork leg

 

 

More to follow!    

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